an eulogy: at a private funeral

Eulogy at A Private Funeral

“Dear Charles, who is regretfully remembered as a sinner , a happy one though, had passed away on March 8th, 2011, the international women’s day, an occasion he predicted of his death, because of his abusive ways to his previous wives. He died at age 87, the oldest bank robber in American history, survived only by his victims of such crime. He had remained an incorrigible criminal all his life but never got caught, which is the only reason why that he was able to carry his enterprise to the end of his life. He had been successful for more than 20 well-spaced bank robberies over life time, the last one being the most easy. He just walked into the Bank of America, wearing sun glasses and with a walking cane that had a short shot gun incorporated to it. His tall fragile frame lent misleading charm to the bank clerks, and they looked at him with amazement while he calmly demanded all the cash from the registration girl. With great joy of almost getting away with a few thousand dollars in cash, he stepped out of the bank into sunshine. The heat outside stirred up his joyful heart to a faster and faster beat which pumped large volume of air and blood into his brain and back to his expanding heart. He fell to the paved side walk before the police got hold of his arms. His nose was bleeding while his heart stopped beating. It was not a peaceful passage into heaven, given the circumstance, and his bag of cash fell into the police hand as the smoking gun. He deceased before he was able to get into his own get-away car. He was not charged with the crime, pardoned by the governor as having senior delusion, and as an effort to reduce the legal cost. Dear Charlie refused to leave us no legacy and his unrepentant way of life marked him out as the most consistent example of original sin. His greed had been a result of personal failure and societal neglect, and to which all his friends feel the burden of pity. Even he left without the chance of returning the money to the victimized bank himself, the bank had showed profound grace not to sue him, since all the money was returned to the bank by the police. Of this, all the indignation felt by the suffering people through association are now ebbing away. We have come to say, you, dear Charlie, are forgiven and you remain forever in our prayers that in heaven, your chances to resort to the same behavior is next to zero since there are no banks in heaven. All you miserable wives are there, and all your three sons, who had received their blessings before electrocuted are there to meet you. You are the last one to come to the merciful fold of our beloved Father and his son Jesus, to join your deceased members. As the sole recognized hero of a unpunished bank robbery, you will remain a mythical icon for the many people after you and your mug shot the most treasured image in our heart of the oldest grandpa bandit of our time. In your death, you have cheated fate and outsmarted the police and our well-designed legal system and prison practice. May your spirit hover high in heaven and never to return to earth. Amen.